I've decided to collect my dreams status updates here for your entertainment.
1. Last night's dream had myself as a cool sniper special agent protecting Madeline Albright (portrayed by a middle aged black gentlemen) as she spoke at the Philadelphia Zoo's old ostrich racing stadium (the zoo ever had such a thing). No shots were fired. PS: before bed I ate a slice of apple pie a la mode because I earned it.
2. Last night's dream had me taking an old Southwest mine tour with my niece Molly accompanied by two Billy Mays who constantly tried to sell us Kaboom. The punch line of this dream was that dynamite made kabooms to make mines. Molly and I had fun trying to come up with different ways of telling the Billies to shut up and stop yelling at us. We left with 4 cases of Kaboom anyway. PS: How many ways can you say "shut up?"
3. Dream number 3 involved me playing Jeopardy against Darth Vader and the Munchkins from the Wizard of Oz. I'm not sure who won, since the dream suddenty had me lying in bed with a pink horse that cuddled with me like my dog. PS: Let's all take a moment to thank George Lucas for showing us exactly what a Father shouldn't be in the character of Darth Vader.
4. No strange dreams last night. Just your run of the mill, defending the earth against evil with the hep of the fantastic four type dream and several anxiety dreams where I thought I fell asleep with Virginia in my arms. PS: Clearly cake has failed me and not as fun as pie.
5. Last night's dream had me at the Hussian showcase in which each student was given a full size train car to design. As we waited for the train to arrive, I ran into Anne Hathaway who I immediately confessed "is so beautiful my art could never do her justice." She, in turn, asked me to get her a Tom Collins. Not knowing what a Tom Collins was I asked some of the students and they instructed me to grab a hammer and a flask of whiskey. I returned to a very disappointed Anne Hathaway. After an awakward silence I asked if she knew my name which she did not. I awoke with tears on my pillow.
PS: Grab some tissues, becuase Anne Hathway doesn't know your name either.
6. I had a dream last night that Daisy and I were having an intervention for our dear friend, Jessica Simpson. Jessica refused to use the toilet and I'll stop there, it was weird. On the way to her house I sharpied a message on the roof of an old Church that read, "Understand the power of a single..." I didn't finish the phrase because I had run out of room on the roof and the cops showed up. PS: "Understand the power of a single action" was the phrase I intended to write.
7. Last night I dreamt that I had to accompany a very depressed Frodo to Mordor. On the way we rested at a very rude rich man's house whose daughter was just now decorating the Christmas tree. I pointed out that there wasn't many ornaments and that's when the tree started doing a hula dance. It was at that point that I noticed the tree had sunglasses and a grass skirt on. I also noticed that Frodo had terribly cheap looking highlights on the tips of his hair. I warned him that the Orcs probably would spot us and that they wouldn't be pleased with his hair. PS: Sometimes our hair can get us in a lot of trouble.
8. I had a disturbing dream about hosting a talk show for Fox and having to deal with a bad stage designer who wanted to decorate my set with illegally stolen skeletons that were spray-painted white. PS: Edgy is not artsy, most of the time it's simply crap.
9. I had another nightquill induced dream last night in which he was skateboarding with Joe Biden. PS: We can't all be vice-president but we can pretend to be
10. I had a nightquil enduced dream last night that he went to the Jim Henson store in Cape May and made a cool blue puppet for Virginia. PS: there is isn't a Jim Henson store but there should be..
11. I had a dream that Ron Howard called my sister, Jacky, to ask her to help him write the next Transformers movie. My sister, not knowing anything about Transformers called me to help her write the movie. I, in turn, called all my geek friends to help me. In the end we all sat around and ate brownies. PS: Sometimes it's okay to eat brownies but remember that they will transform into fat.
12. Last night's dream had my brother Mike (who was dressed in a diaper) and I in a spooky misty old cemetery where we entertained ourselves by hurling dried out pig carcasses at one another. PS: For the record I had a pulled pork sandwich for dinner tonight and it was pretty good.
13. Last nights dream had me "trying out" to be an animal handler for the Philadelphia Zoo. I had to fly like a bird, climb like a squirrel, and burrow like a groundhog. However, the greatest test of all was to see if the ostrich would cuddle with me, which it did. PS: If ostriches were people they would be jerks and there would be nothing we could do about it because they could poke our eyes out.
14. Two night ago I had a dream that I was in a world ruled by the Office's Michael Scott. His face was used on every billboard, on every ad- his face was everywhere and everyone loved him. PS: Sometimes we pretend we're Jim or Pam but deep down we know we are Michael Scott.
15. Last nights dream was a convoluted mess. I can't even begin to explain it, something about lost and found. Since I have to go back to teaching tomorrow, tonight's dreams will probably be stress induced which = fun.
16. I had a dream last night that I was helping out on the set of 24 and Kiefer Sutherland asked me to stop making him laugh because he was trying to create a moment. Since the set was in my Mom's kitchen I quietly went to the living room ooked through my Mom's Family Circle magazines and had a glass of chocolate milk. PS: When Jack Bauer asks you to stop making him laugh, you stop making him laugh.
17. Last night I dreamt I was a Crusader Knight charged with guarding an ancient artifact. PS: I can't remember much more than that but I can remember being disappointed that I still couldn't grow a full beard.
18. I dreamt that I arrived in Yellowstone via locomotive and paid someone $200 to take me on a mountain bike tour. The only problem was that they couldn't find an official sweatshirt in my size (it was part of the deal) so they had to give me a child's XL which did not fit. PS: I would pay $200 for a bike tour of Yellowstone but you wouldn't have to give me a child's sweatshirt.
19. I had another Jack Bauer dream last night. We both had to break into a nuclear power plant but our only way in was dressing as women. Once inside we became trapped in the cafeteria where dozens of nerdy scientists hit on us. To distract everyone I danced on the table while Jack completed our mission.
20. Last night's dream had me undercover as a monk in an Italian monastery where I discovered an illegal gold coin ring (the coins were in the shapes of little European cartoon figures). After making it public I was attacked by several men, one of whom had a blue basketball for a head. After beating him senseless I removed his head and dribbled it down the halls of the Vatican looking for something to dunk it in. PS: I never found anything to dunk it in but I did climb the walls and slammed it into a stain glass window.
21. Nyquil induced dream! Daisy and I were hiking when a violent lightning storm came upon us. We layed down flat on the ground in an open field but to our surprise the lightning kept striking us - each strike was redirected through us into the ground! Then the Weasley brothers showed up and turned the lightning into glowing cork screw pasta that we all enjoyed as a meal together.
22. I had a fun nightquil induced dream last night. Virginia was walking around but she was a 3 foot tall big baby. It was kind of scary.
23.Had a wacky dream last night. I was 6 years old and abandoned somewhere in Ontario. At a restaurant I met an artist who took an interest in my napkin drawing and insisted on taking me in to be trained. Once at his home (a lone skyscraper that overlooked a lake) I soon came to realize the man was cheating on his beautifully sad wife with an inverted statue that moved around the walls of the building. When I realized that his wife was willing to live with this I decided to leave secretly by boat, to "find another life."
24. Sequel Dream: Moving on from Ontario it suddenly became years later and my job was to detonate and make controlled avalanches on the highest peaks of the Big Horn Mountains in central Wyoming. The day was going well until an avalanche got out of control and destroyed a small church. We did everything we could to get them out alive but we were told to abandon the site for fear of more avalanches.
25. Last night's dream had me as a doctor helping children in a third world country. My bothers were helping to build homes but my brother Dan kept hiding in the walls. He kept calling me with his cell phone to see if I could try to find him. I finally found him hiding under the bathtub and told him I needed to tend to the children. Moments later I was checking a parasitic infection of one of the children's eyes. Under the advice of one of my colleagues I put a tomato horn worm onto the eye and watched as it ate the parasites. It was all working surprisingly well until the worm started burrowing into the corner of the eye. The child screamed in agony. Without hesitation I used my tweezers to remove the eye and grab the horn worm only to discover that multiple worms had already made their way into the eye socket. I woke up. It was 5 am. I didn't go back to sleep.
26. Last nights dream as one of those long ones so I will try to sum it up here: My car was hit. A note was left. I called the person and they refuse to fix it. I called the police. They insisted she have it fixed. Big mess. I took it to a mechanic in North Philadelphia. I ran into Tom Loder who was standing under a train overpass in a pile of broken glass. The mechanic had a bar next door that featured a cartoon version of a pirate squid guy with constant running cartoons. I had a drink. My car took forever to be fixed. I had another drink. I met some tattooed weirdos who were very nice. I hung out in the parking lot and drew cars. I got my car back but it was painted white. The end.
27. Dream: A dreadful situation to be in if there ever was one. Darth Vader and Lord Voldemort had joined forces to destroy me. For hours I evaded them in the deepest parts of the forest until I discovered the perfect hide-a-way, a fully furnished tree trunk that resembled the lobby of a high end retirement home. Any sense of security was suddenly dashed to pieces with the arrival of Boba Fett. He had finally tracked me down. Without warning Ron Weasley and Hermoine Granger apperated into the trunk and began casting spells. One of Ron's hit the door way and turned into s huge stack of neaytly cut logs. He was about the set them ablaze when I heard Virginia crying in the distance and woke up.
28. Dream starring Cindy Smith, Michael Palan, and Karen Loccisano of Highlights fame:I was a "troubled teen" that Cindy had taken in. We spent the days playing bridge with Cindy's Mother and her friends. They kicked my butt. Later Cindy drove me to school but I refuse to go in trying to convince her I was a 37 year old and not a "troubled teen." After she gave up arguing with me she told me to sit in the back seat where Lord Voldemort's gross fetus body was lying. He spoke to me so I stroked his ugly feeling soft skull to make him shut up and go to sleep. Later on we drove to the Highlights Illustrator Party which was being held at 30th street station in Philadelphia. As we were crossing the street I looked behind me to see Michael Palan and Karen Loccisano in nothing but red speedo underwear. It was at this point that I woke up in a cold sweat.
29. Last night I had a dream that Daisy was the pastor of a Catholic Church. At one point during her homily she asked me to speak. I started telling the homily about gossip (the exact one from the movie Doubt). As I was about to finish Daisy interrupted me and gave this marshmallowy weak diplomatic point which made me so angry I left.
30. Last night I lead the cast of Lost into an ancient temple where we discovered a fire demon chained to a chamber door. I suggested we pour water on it to kill it but Ben had another plan. He summoned Walrus Man and three stormtroopers. As Walrus Man casted a spell one of the troopers lifted his helmet to reveal he was a badly computer generated Ronald Reagan who kept asking for his, "Nancy." Meanwhile, some fake Jedis showed up and took to the streets with their plastic lightsabers. However, more trouble ensued once the Jedis started playing unfairly with the 3-hits-you're-dead rule.
31. I was the Green Lantern last night in a dream. I had to steal Hal Jordan's domino mask and power ring together with some green crock high top boots in order to take on some evil force bent on covering the world in a giant yellow whicker basket.
32. Last night I had a dream that I was undercover in a strange cult. I was taken deep into the woods to an old pyramid made entirely of red bricks. The wood work and ornamentation inside was similar to Carpenter's Hall in Philadelphia. It was at this point that I realized I was in a secret meeting of the Free Masons and those standing around me were none other than the key founder Fathers. After all these years they were still alive. They lifted their hoods to reveal their grotesque faces and surrounded me. Somehow I had been found out. I had no choice but to set their robes ablaze. I escaped by jumping through a window and running of into the night.
33. Short summary of my dreams last night: A. Indiana Jones and I had to fight off some Mongolian thugs to gain access to a archeological clue only to realize it was scribbled all over with permanent marker. B. I won a restaurant tour to the seaside town of Pemberton, NJ (it is not a seaside town) where the entire town was outlined in lights. It was quite beautiful. The staff treated us like crap and we were asked to leave when we asked for another napkin. On the way out I watched a car drive into the water but was surprised to see it continue to float down stream like a boat.
34. Last night's dream continues with the ultra-weirdness. I was staying at a small beach side ranch where they tended to small plastic red toy horses. I was asked to come outside to throw around a frisbee with a retired fully decorated Nazi General. He had this amazing frisbee that consisted of two parts. When thrown it would turn into the shape of an eagle and return to you like a boomerang. After some practice the General handed me a different frisbee. I gladly threw it but was surprised to see that it glided for hundreds of yards then turned into a pepsi lawnchair (complete with a sail) which landed on a huge crowd of beach bathers. Feeling bad about losing his frisbee, I took a water taxi but was disappointed to see that the frisbee had been destroyed by the angry crowd. I got back on the water taxi heading in the wrong direction. I jumped off and landed in what, at first, appeared to be blood but was nothing more than spilled cherry juice. With my bare feet stained red I started walking back to the ranch. While walking back I had to climb through a brick wall, dodge a parking car, and was threatened by a kid on a bike with a switchblade. He asked for my wallet so I reached in my pocket and quickly took out my camera snapping a photo of him. He lunged at me but I quickly jumped on the back of a parked car and told him I was emailing myself the photo. After some chasing around the car I stole his bike and rode off back to the ranch. I woke up feeling like I had just been run over by a freight train.
35. Okay, I will do my best to decipher last night's dream. It was either a very long one or a strange conglomeration of weirdness. t started off with myself helping the parks department relocate old graves found in front of Independence Hall (a common thing to find in Old City). After a while we lost track of which tombstones accompanied the graves since all of the markings were Egyptian hieroglyphics. I decided that I wanted no part in this so I went back to my teaching job located across the street. This week I happened to be teaching auto body guys how to use Photoshop to manipulate photos and make preliminary mock ups of their work for their clients to get a better idea of their vision. Unimpressed with me I decided to show them my purple and yellow '69 Chevy Impala as well as my matching coat. They all left but fellow teacher Lisa Simpson stepped into my class and started stealing all of the coats hanging from the rafters! As I was trying to convince her to exit my classroom, I opened a closet to reveal that it was crawling with hordes of boxelder bugs and dead beetles. This sent Lisa screaming out the door. After locking up I walked to the parking garage only to realize that my car had been stripped and was unoperational. I somehow found an old bmx bike and started riding only to be "challenged" to a dangererous (yet totally radical) bike race home by a group of uniformed 80's bmx teenagers. Going against traffic we weaved in out of on coming vehicles all the while trying to knock the other off their bike. I suceeded by getting in front of the kids, skidding around and causing them to jump my now angled tire. The crash was pretty dang cool. We all laughed about it afterwards as we rode home together into the moonlight.
36. Last night's dream was chaotic and full of crazy images (racing stress dreams). However, I did manage to make out one part that was a moose sighting in my backyard. As my dog and I approached we could see that it was made of paper despite the fact that it continued to move like a living moose.
37. Last night I had a dream that I had to help Bart Simpson jump start his Jeep. I happened upon him while walking through the jungles of Brazil and he just left me there.
38. Fun dream last night: Claire Daines and I were in charge of White House security where we were given the specific task of protecting the President from, "those fancy cake boss cakes." After I was caught sampling one of the cakes I was demoted to security for a local DC diner where they treated me very unfairly.
39. My dream last night had me playing a game of chess with my friend Jeff. Daisy entered the room and asked me what color I was. I looked down and realized we were playing chess with baby bottle nipples. Jeff was the latex orangey yellow and I was "clear."
40. Last night's dream involved scuba-diving and an award for mortician of the year because, "I consistently put the 'fun' in funeral."
41. Last night's dream involved a cheap motel, a hot tub and Tina Fey but it's not what you're thinking. Tina asked me to help her fix her hottub but she wouldn't let me stay at her house so I had to stay at a cheap motel because it was too late and too far to drive home. PS: Tina Fey has some really nice gams.
42. A funny dream: Daisy and I were liesurely canoeing through Lake Wallenpaupack when a very friendly Moose climbed aboard. At first we were very leary of him but we soon realized he wanted to play fetch like a dog which was fine with the townsfolk until I threw the ball into the general store. We were both asked to leave town. I woke up giggling.